{ so i survived a minvan }

Two Thursdays ago, we flew to the North Virginia-DC area for a trip that was one part vacation and one part business.

I'm going to be honest and say that I am waiting (impatiently) for the day when those "Beam Me Up, Scotty" things from Star Trek are available for public use, because I don't do all that well with pretty much anything I cannot personally drive. And also, anything that is larger than a medium-size SUV.

My nerves were pretty well shot after our "flight" (which was a 50 person "aircraft" that I am confident was airborne only by the efforts of some gerbils riding bicycles in the cargo hold). I was seated next to a woman who was probably more phobic than me. It was kind of like that scene from Bridesmaids where Kristin Wiig has a freakout in coach next to her equally plane-fearing seatmate, except without the sedatives. And the scotch.

On the positive side, she was highly entertaining and proved to be a fabulous distraction to the fact that we were hurtling through the air at high speeds, tens of thousands of feet above the ground in a small, enclosed space.

That nightmare was followed by a tram through Dulles and a shuttle to the car rental facility, so I was pretty well over it.

When MacGyver rejoined us after 20 minutes at the service desk, I did not even flinch when he told me that they had upgraded us to a minivan at no additional charge.

You know. Because I wasn't driving the behemoth.

We were hooked up with a Town & Country. Turtle fell instantly in love. Something about the cool seat and built in DVD screen.

And I get it. I totally get that minivans are roomy. And have all kinds of high-tech entertainment systems. And that the doors open and close by Jedi mind control. Or the touch of a button. And that you can fit an entire tball team in the back, with all associated gear.

It's really quite magical.

And all was fine until I slid behind the wheel.

It wasn't really part of the plan. But I had somewhere I needed to go and I didn't have someone to drive me and dammit, I'm an adult with a valid driver's license and I should be able to manage a motor vehicle all by myself.

All I'm saying is thank the flying spaghetti monster that I only had to go about 10 miles. And that the speed limit didn't rise over 40mph. And that it was after rush hour so the roads were pretty empty. 

Even with the handy dandy video reversing feature, I came very close to taking out the mailbox on one side of the driveway and the garbage can on the other. No one honked at me, so I'm pretty sure I managed to stay mostly in my lane the whole time.

It was kind of like handling the Oasis of the Seas on perfectly still water.

Personally? I like a rougher ride. I like to be closer to the ground so I can really feel the road. I like to be able to see the four corners of the vehicle via direct sight and mirrors. It's only fair to disclose that I once halted a test drive of a certain large sedan on the shoulder of the 836 because it was too wide. I don't know why I thought I could handle a van.

Fortunately, I made it safely back to and from my destination. Well, except for the part where the GPS took me to the wrong part of the neighborhood, so I could see my inlaws house across a vast yard, but could not actually get to it. And for just a moment, I thought to myself that the minivan could totally handle the trek, even if the neighbors didn't approve. Not to worry, i came to my senses before any damage was done to lawn or vehicle.

Turtle was a little disappointed to see the minivan returned. I think it was up there on his top ten highlights of the trip. Sadly for him, when it's time to get a new car, minivan will not be on the list, unless it comes with a full time driver for me. And I am pretty sure MacGyver won't go for that nonsense. 

I wonder how he would feel about getting a horse...